Every man for himself.

 His middle name is Hazard.

Hazardous Driver warning lights.

The mushroom treatment.

 Mushrooms prefer the darkness to sunlight.

Universities will accept only the elite hoi polloi.

Call now.

 Is your manufacturer's warranty about to expire?

Call American Robot Shield.

Robots all.

 It takes ones to know one.

A match made in Silicon Valley.

Never the bridesmaid.

 With Duane, it's more like minus one.

Pride goeth before asking Duane, or destruction.

See you in the funny pages.

He must be a lot older than he looks.

Where's Barney Google?

TMI.

 And that will be the only tip you will get.

Putting on the Ritz.

Weather or not.

Everybody else talks about the weather.

He hates it.

Climate of denial.

 Goldenrod is his favorite flower.

The profits are nothing to sneeze at, or are.

Funny Girl et al.

 As funny as and with all the sophistication of Dorothy Parker.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

Get real.

 Money can't buy me love.

A nice pen that leaks will remind him of her

Rules for a happy marriage.

 Even ghost husbands always blame the dog.

Wives, leave it at that.

Cue Randy Newman.

 If you want a friend, get a dog.

Unless you are Kristi Noem.

The old Rose Mary twist.

 Must be her great granddaughter.

Accidents will happen -- with video recorders.

Do the right thing, updated.

 All the most exclusive clubs...

In West Palm Beach do it.

The Unemployed.

Also known as La Boheme by The Pooch.

Victor Borge always liked Joe Green's Traviata.