Friday, August 31, 2012

Genesis of a grate idea.

Which rubs the boss the wrong way. Leading to a quick exodus.

Duane shouldn't be too eager to anticipate.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Sgt. Schulz Strikes Again.

What do you call the disembodied ghost of a proboscis?

The no-body nose.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

You were expecting Don the Beachcomber, perhaps?

It was a rum go, all right.

Go, Teamsters!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Monday, August 27, 2012

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing.

You might very well think that, but I couldn't possibly comment.

Let's not jump to conclusions.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Cold War Thaw (Not a Polish Joke).

Today's gag is based on a Cold War Era joke.

The Prague Circus is playing in Vienna. One of the performers, a little person acrobat, or midget as he would have been called then, has planned an escape to the West. He leaves the guarded hotel at night, climbing down the drain pipe to the street, and hurries away to a house where he has been told that he can hide. He knocks on the door. The door opens a crack, and the little man whispers, "Pardon me, but can you cache a small Czexh?"

Saturday, August 25, 2012

England swings like a pendulum do.

As seen on Letterman, it already powers rocket cars.

Mostly, though, it just improves the profit margin for Mentos.

Friday, August 24, 2012

I Came, I TWOT, I Taunted.

Everybody knows that home-schoolers are gooder.

Bomb-throwers Anonymous.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Marraffino cherry.

Who was Leonard Lawrence Marraffino, Alex?

Making life better and better for people every day.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Nothing beats a sundial.

That would be "report to work" in military terminology.
There's Coordinated Universal Time for all the sticklers, and GMT for the fogies.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Just in time.

Time for a nooner.

According to the NIST, 12:00 p.m. is the instant immediately after the clock changes from 11:59:59 to 12:00:00.

"It is fair to say, however, that the shortest measurable duration after noon should be designated as p.m. For example, it would be applicable for a digital clock changing from 11:59:59 a.m. to 12:00:00 to indicate p.m. as soon as it the 12:00 appears, and not delay the display of the p.m. by a minute, or even a second."

Monday, August 20, 2012

Two by two.

Two heads may be better than one,

but not when they share one brain.

Sunday, August 19, 2012


The Mike Stivic phone.

The skull bone's connected to the neck bone.
Now hear the word of the Lord.

Saturday, August 18, 2012

Sitcoms and Origin of the Species.

Evolution explains the basic premise of every situation comedy since The Honeymooners.

The wife is always much better-looking than the husband.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Ring of truth.

Obviously, it was named that because that's where the pinkie ring is worn.

On the left hand, of course.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Leading question.

Does this cake make me look fat? Thighs or hips?

You have the right to an attorney.
Birthday cake has no calories when you make a wish on it.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Slough of pronouncing.

Try guessing the correct pronunciation of slough without context.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Gut reaction.

That's not average, that's just plain mean.

O', thank heaven. Just your average Joe.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Wet and wild.

If your dreams last for more than four hours, call a doctor.

Have you ever seen a dream walking?

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Opportunity knocks.

Strangely, it's never a good time to talk about gun control.

Guns have rights, too, because guns are people. Which explains the saying, "Guns don't kill people. People kill people."

Saturday, August 11, 2012

Or Ben Casey and Dr. Kildare.

The original gag involved two people in hospital scrubs with stethoscopes and medical bags.

Things in mirror are closer than a pier.

There's something you don't see every day. A walking, talking, pair o' docs.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Friend me.

Who has more friends than the Society of Friends?

That seems more like one of Earnest's worries.

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Google University.

Cynthia already has her BS.

And pretty much everybody at the best party schools.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

The June Wilkinson Particle.

Before there was silicone, there was just Zoftig.

Now you've discovered Victoria's Secret.
The Higgs Bosom generates the Jayne Mans-field.

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Nearer my God to thee.

Originally, it was a religious nut dressed in a sailor's uniform and blowing a whistle.

Ahoy, matey, it's talk like a particle physicist day.

Monday, August 6, 2012


There's no business like Snowe business.

The first Olympic event was won by Atalanta. "She can throw my javelin any time, " said Heracles.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Ulnarior motive.

Actually, that would be funny to a geek.

Medical humor keeps her in stitches.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Planet of the lepus.

Hinted at before, but now confirmed.

Adolf is no ordinary rabbit.
They are all a rabbit's dream.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Wednesday is Prince spaghetti day.

Taffy also pulls the chair from under him in the cafeteria.

Set him up with a straight line, and then knock him down.

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Bicycle built for two.

I was going to say something witty about riding side-saddle, but I forget what it was.

Why is Eb talking out of the side of his face?

Oh, I remember. That's why it's called a bi-cycle!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

All sweetness and light.

Didn't we just have Sarcasm Day?

Everyone knows that the internet exists solely to spread peace and goodwill.
That's right, play the Dumb Blonde. Then, back to stalking Cynthia on Twitter.