Maid in France.

 It is the traditional French New Year's formal wear.

Oui, oui, Mademoiselle Fifi.

New and Improved Year.

 Due to supply chain issues, the New Year will be delayed.

Insist on Made in America.

A bit premature.

 It's an Election year, and a Leap Year.

What could possibly go wrong?

Alphabet soup.

 One man's meat is another man's poison.

As Thoreau said, "Simplify!"

Faint praise.

 Two out of three is not bad.

A little false modesty is better than no modesty at all

System failure.

 Proof that nobody is infallible.

 He knows better than to buy their products.

Many unhappy returns day.

 Post holiday hangover, feeling punchy.

Dabney gets the day off for a change.

A question of priorities.

 He's providing for starving cartoonists.

And this does not mean you.

Bad Santa.

 In one chimney and out the other.

Santa's Helper helping himself.

Across the International Date Line.

 It's the antepenultimate day before Christmas.

That is the Inverted Jenny of book misprints.

Set 'em ip, Joe.

 He could see her coming from a mile away.

She's easy to shop for.

Tree-topper.

Not to mention they are personalized, too.

That most special time of the year,  Mortar and Pestle time !

A Mean Spirit of Christmas.

 Once it hits social media, it's all free publicity.

Dabney sold one tree at least.

It's the Great Kitsch, Charlie Brown.

 Profit = Price - Fine.

Wrong kind of trimming.

Courting trouble.

 Inappropriate office Geek behavior.

The war against Christmas strikes again.

The new tipping culture.

 Mandatory tipping is the new normal.

Milk and cookies not enough?

Bag it.

 Pronunciation aside...

There's the bread. Where's the circus?

The One Percent Solution.

 And only coincidentally, layoffs follow.

Not to mention price hikes.

E.T. phone home.

 There is just no incentive.

They're here.

Carry me back to the Great Depression.

 But he has exactly that much hair to cut...

Two-bits worth.

Where the Sun don't shine.

 There is a ring around Uranus.

And it's not a doorbell.

Feeling a Draft.

 Winning the state lottery, valuable.

Winning the Draft Lottery, priceless.

What's your emergency?

 She must really be sick.

Thinking? Can't have any of that!

Quantum strangeness.

 Finally, a logical explanation that everyone can accept.

He also adopted Schrodinger's Cat as a pet.

Turkey trot.

 Free turley can have several meanings.

Someone belongs beside bars, but not the turkey.

One can only hope.

 But you also need to look funny.

"Ya gotta have art," in the words of the old song.

DOA.

 She doesn't need to drop an anvil on his head.

She gave it a shot.

Birthday boy.

 It's the thought that counts, they say...

Good thing he can't read minds.

Mythical anatomy.

 He is really missing the amygdala...

The actual seat of emotions.

Toot toot

 Give that man a Segar.

She looks like Shelley Duvall.

Halls of Congress.

Today we think lions deserve a better diet.

Bring on the clowns.

Time and time again.

The future ain't what it used to be.

The end is rear.

Keep them in stiches.

 If you are not sick before reading it...

You will be soon after.

Up close and personal.

 Some people just don't have the stomach for it.

 This calls for an endoscopy.

The center of the universe.

 Even his fleas are honored to infest him.

There's enough to go around.

Reading the room.

 He has gotten better at picking up tonal shifts.

Give him a minute and he will find a fault.

SETI.

 We probably wouldn't recognize intelligence if we saw it.

They are smart enough to avoid us.

The difference between comedy and drama.

 She had to allow for the slow burn.

The suspense was killing him.

Doublemint Twins.

 Just call them Miserly and Misery.

What, no rioting shoppers?

'Tis the season for complaining.

 Better he should rant there and then...

Rather than later at the dinner table.

Oh what a brave new world.

 Approved by the Florida Department of Education.

History, sanitized for your protection.

Dial it up to eleven.

 She is destined to join Spinal Tap.

She is so brilliant, all her teachers wear shades.

A lox by any other name.

 Welcome to the human race.

Who doesn't hate being refuted by logic.

No kidding.

 Tell him to kindly butt out.

Who doesn't like green lawn movers?

Believe it or not.

 This would be a good time for an experiment.

He'd like to test that theory.

No sweat.

 And most dogs don't wear pants.

Why is there dog deodorant?

Bear down.

 Sometimes you get the bear bait.

Sometimes the bear bait gets you.

Bear up.

 He never was arrested for stealing a pic-a-nic basket.

Where but in jail could he hibernate?

Post grad uncertainty.

Get held back as many times as possible.

There is no thirteenth grade.

In the beginning...

 He would prefer to believe that...

He evolved from a toaster oven.