Everything old is new again.

We keep on making the same wrong mistakes.

Time for a few right ones.

By invitation only.

 Bring Your Own Bottle is an open invitation to something.

Come one, come all.

Crystal ball gazing.

 As Doris Day once sang, "Que Sera Sera."

And other times it's a roll of the dice.

Happy Gilmore Adjacent.

 If you know Drew, you know Bob.

Ask around in Truth or Consequences, NM.

Mars or bust.

 Report immediately to HR for reeducation.

The buckling knees gave them away.

No horsing around.

 All she needs now is a process server named Grinch.

The billions and billions of plaintiffs.

Boxed in.

 Or move to one of the commonwealth states.

Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Virginia, Kentucky.

Merry Christmas 2022.

 Today only, Good Cheer Fifty-Percent Off !

Enjoy.

A visit from St. Nicholas.

 You know the rules. Santa won't come until you are asleep.

The abridged version.

Table the motion.

 Nobody wants to be Alexander Woollcott?

And a fine table it is.

In denial.

Looking but not seeing.

And this means you.

Pyramid scheme.

 Once you enter, you'll never want to leave.

The Geezer Pyramid: Just bring all your gold.

Minimum requirements.

 The nomination is his for the asking.

Lying is a qualification not a liability.

Know when to hold 'em.

 Know when to walk away. Know when to run.

That's the gist of it, yes.

Mandatory arbitration.

 Possible breach of the peace.

You have the right to remain silent.

Polar explorers.

 That is what they call magnetic personalities.

Basic Chemistry.

Respect for marriage.

 Flashback to four years ago.

Her two moms.

The dabbler.

 Anyone can make money, 

But giving it value is harder.

Responsible pet ownership.

 Each named Deduction, One through Twenty-Four.

His baby carrot bill is through the roof.

Light's on but Nobody's home.

 It worked for Odysseus with Polyphemus.

Mr. Nobody.

A shot in the dark.

 He read it once on the back of a cereal box.

First thing he was taught at business school.

Sunday will never be the same.

 Even worse, she will remember it...

When she wakes up.

Why did the parrot cross the road?

 The real question is: Of the parrot and Dabney,

Which one is the ventriloquist?

What lies beneath.

 Saying "Judgey-Poo" instead of Your Honor?

Usually it applies mainly to families.

The search for Burgess Meredith.

 He was either Napoleon or a Batman villain.

Past life regression is an inexact process.

Asleep at the switch.

 You would think someone should have mentioned it.

Heads will roll.

Clock out.

More time to goof off on the job.

Time out.

A Christmas Tradition.

The real spirit of the season.

When Yo-Ho-Ho replaces Ho-Ho-Ho.

In the pink.

 There is a whole lot of grumbling going on.

That bowel looks irritable.

The Prisoner of Zenda.

 The king of Ruritania looks like either Ronald Colman

Or Stewart Granger.

Bloodlines.

 Contracts exists so that loopholes can be created.

The DNA doesn't lie.

To the Moon.

 And whatever you do, do not ask about his Bay.

Sanitized for your protection.

A real twit.

 And his job likes him back with a smiling emoji.

Implausible deniability.

Mirror image.

 His biography will be a work of fiction.

Like twins separated at birth -- by an ocean.

The human condition.

 A concise summary of the human race.

And  yet, which species is dominant?

People who need people.

 He is nothing if he is not impartial.

Henry has his moment.

Holy mackerel.

There is something fishy about that.

No thanks, I had wet socks for lunch.

Pets who resemble their people.

 It could be worse. He might be a purse dog.

Do they both have their teeth?

Turkey shoot.

 Who is holding the carving knife in that kitchen?

Gobble, gobble. Eat on the run.

Pointillism.

 Laboring to make a point is hard labor.

Losing on points.

How's My Driving?

 Serves you right for ordering the custom plates.

Maniac? You caught him on a good day.

Penny for your thoughts.

 Someone salted that mine.

As scams go, it's penny ante.

Get a life.

 By that logic, it leads to marriage, as well as divorce.

Probably many regrets.

All blocked up.

Logorrhoea may be a symptom of severe creativity.

Consult your PhD.

You might very well say that.

 Nobody ever heard the unspoken truth.

Suddenly so clear, imagine that.

Pride goeth.

 Walked out of the restroom trailing tissue again?

Made you look.

Forty winks.

 A brief nap is good for you.

A public nap is a crime.

No deposit, no return.

 The customer is always right...

But only if he is a customer.

Tell me more.

 And do not leave out any juicy details.

Not gloating in the least.

The burning question.

 Good ahead, add to global warming.

He is flush with flooring, the floor flusher.