Clyde Finster Evokes Unpaid Celebrity Endorsements

Everything I know about life I learned at the feet of Clyde Finster. It'’s surprising how hard a guy that size can kick. -- Eric Hoffer.

I never met a man I didn't like, until I met Clyde. He introduced me to Barney. -- Will Rogers.

Clyde taught me to relax. -- Maharishi Mahesh Yogi.

The lesson of living in peaceful obscurity taught me by Clyde's example inspired me to do something big with my own life. -- Richard Speck.

Roomers are flying.

Explosive news. Rumor has it that Barney & Clyde will be adding some recurring characters to the already bloated cast. Recurring will be Haysus H. Crust, who will have the catchphrase, "Bite me, " and Moe Hammard Proffitt, a purveyor of opiates for the masses, and thus a rival for Barnard. Rumor also has it that Barnard has claimed a star in the constellation Ophiuchus.

Cynthia Pillsbury

Cynthia prima suis miserum me cepit ocellis,
contactum nullis ante cupidinibus.

Named for the mistress of the Roman poet Sextus Propertius, daddy's little girl imagines herself the daughter of Raoul Julia and Angelica Huston, who was kidnapped as an infant. Her best friend is Emily the Strange. Cynthia has a pet Spider Crab, Cancer, which she bred herself for the school Science Fair. Working in the Pillsbury lab, Cynthia combined the DNA of a tarantula and a Japanese spider crab. The embryo was nurtured in a medium saturated with HGH. She keeps Cancer in a 50 foot deep aquarium with foot-thick plexiglass walls. Yes, it's that big. Needless to say, she won the first prize at the Science Fair.

Cynthia and her pet designer spider crab, Cancer.

Weird Coincidence.

Did you know that Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway made a movie in 1967 called Bonnie and Clyde? Amazing but true!

Lucretia Pillsbury

Of the supporting cast members, one of the more important and, for many readers, the most intriguing. The second wife of title character Barney, Lucretia is described as an unhappy trophy wife. Her name alone has generated thousands of comments. People are fascinated by the potential influence that her name has played in the development of her character. Did she poison Barney's first wife, honoring the exemplary Borgia? Or is she a post modern feminist, a new Mott? Is she a woman wronged like the Roman matron?

The truth is much stranger than any of the speculations and imaginings of the lunatic readers.

Take a look at her Facebook profile. "Barney’s better half. She knows she’s a trophy wife and isn’t at all happy about it. Lucretia is plenty smart, but has a hard time being taken seriously, particularly by her stepdaughter, Cynthia." Read that again, this time carefully. Need a hint? "She knows she's a trophy wife..." Study the picture carefully.

Still don't get it? OK, take a look at this detail from the picture, enlarged 400 percent.

Yes, that's right. Lucretia is literally a Trophy Wife. No wonder she's unhappy.

Lucretia Coffin was born prematurely, and has always been small. So small was she at birth, that she was given to a wallaby to be nursed. "The wallaby was very nice. Not as fashionable as the panda, of course, but much more responsible." Lucretia still speaks with a slight Australian accent. Despite her disadvantageous birth, Lucretia made the most of her petite figure. She began modeling as a teen, which led to small, uncredited movie roles. She doubled for Julia Roberts as Tinkerbell in Spielberg's Hook. "It was a thrill to work with Steven." Her big break came in 1998 when she was cast as Trophy Catherine in "The Witch" episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. "They dipped me in this gold paint, and made a wire frame for me to rest against. It was hell, even so, holding that position and being able to move only my eyes." (How did you think they made the eyes move?) She went on to be the principal model for Barbie. It was at a Barbie launch party that she met Barney. Actually, she met Cynthia first, who tried to kidnap her. Luckily, Barney rescued her from Cynthia's backpack. The rest is comic history.

Fluffykins McNeedsahug

Better known as Adolf, the cuddly rabbit of the strip. What can we expect of this critter? He is described as a fundraiser extraordinaire, but what else is he? Will he be the sarcastic observer whose comments reflect the cynicism of the authors? Will he in daydreams fly helicopters in the Vietnam War? Is he an escapee from the Pillsbury Labs, genetically altered into a genius whose single purpose in life is to take over the world? Does he have a gerbil propagandist named Joseph? Will he speak with an Austrian accent? I'm hoping that he became addicted to nicotine and eyeliner while in Pillsbury Labs, so that he scrounges cigarette butts and cigar stubs from the park or chews tobacco. He also might steal mascara and eyeliner from women's purses. So many questions, and so long to wait for answers!

Sneak Peek!

Our exclusive sources have given us the very first strip that will run on June 7, 2010. As a special treat for the millions of fans who are pining to see the strip before the official launch, here is a sneak peak at the very first Barney & Clyde. It will knock your socks off, I can assure you. Mark this date on your calendar, April 1, 2010, as a red letter day. The Unofficial Debut of Barney & Clyde.