Time and time again.

The future ain't what it used to be.

The end is rear.

Keep them in stiches.

 If you are not sick before reading it...

You will be soon after.

Up close and personal.

 Some people just don't have the stomach for it.

 This calls for an endoscopy.

The center of the universe.

 Even his fleas are honored to infest him.

There's enough to go around.

Reading the room.

 He has gotten better at picking up tonal shifts.

Give him a minute and he will find a fault.

SETI.

 We probably wouldn't recognize intelligence if we saw it.

They are smart enough to avoid us.

The difference between comedy and drama.

 She had to allow for the slow burn.

The suspense was killing him.

Doublemint Twins.

 Just call them Miserly and Misery.

What, no rioting shoppers?

'Tis the season for complaining.

 Better he should rant there and then...

Rather than later at the dinner table.

Oh what a brave new world.

 Approved by the Florida Department of Education.

History, sanitized for your protection.

Dial it up to eleven.

 She is destined to join Spinal Tap.

She is so brilliant, all her teachers wear shades.

A lox by any other name.

 Welcome to the human race.

Who doesn't hate being refuted by logic.

No kidding.

 Tell him to kindly butt out.

Who doesn't like green lawn movers?

Believe it or not.

 This would be a good time for an experiment.

He'd like to test that theory.

No sweat.

 And most dogs don't wear pants.

Why is there dog deodorant?

Bear down.

 Sometimes you get the bear bait.

Sometimes the bear bait gets you.

Bear up.

 He never was arrested for stealing a pic-a-nic basket.

Where but in jail could he hibernate?

Post grad uncertainty.

Get held back as many times as possible.

There is no thirteenth grade.

In the beginning...

 He would prefer to believe that...

He evolved from a toaster oven.

The Ascent of Man while sitting down.

 Thinking, there's an app for that.

Clyde the show-off.

Armistice Day.

 There's a shaggy dog joke in there somewhere.

Goodbye, Piccadilly.

Hither and thither.

 Nigh the Science Guy?

Last second substitution.

All the news that fits.

 The BLEEPING news.

"I'm mad as heck, " said Peter Finch.

It's all Greek.

 It isn't Talk like a Pirate Day, either.

A little change of pace never hurts.

Parsing for Dummies.

 The very letter of the law.

Someone was paying attention in English class.

It's a dog's life.

 Rin Tin Tin knows that. He's German, after all.

But what will he do if Eb falls into a well?

Under Construction.

 At least it is paved and not "Closed for Repairs."

The very cheapest paving material.

J'Accuse.

 There is enough blame to go around.

And Standard Time doesn't help.

Don't overthink it.

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.

When you are right you are right.

Show, don't tell.

First, tell what you are going to do.

Then do it. Then report that you did it.