I am writing to recommend that you begin running the new comic strip Barney & Clyde in your newspaper. This is a sure way to boost circulation of your dying, recrudescent, putrid rag.
Test-marketing with focus groups composed of dimwitted, slack-jawed mouth-breathers like your readers have shown Barney & Clyde will increase newspaper circulation by at least 300 percent. In addition, scientific studies undertaken at Johns Hopkins and Harvard Medical School have shown that reading Barney & Clyde for one week increases good cholesterol by 50 percent and cures cancer in laboratory rats.
In a period of high unemployment, this strip will provide high-paying jobs for thousands of Korean cartoonists. Chinese toy makers who will pirate the licensed products derived from the strip will hire tens of thousands of laborers at near-slave wages, and you will be able to sell ads for the stores that sell these cheap knock-offs that steal money from the creators.
Finally, if you do not run this strip, you will be demonstrating once and for all your rabid hatred of America, which IS WHAT I ALWAYS SUSPECTED.
A Devoted Reader.